As I was going through my blog archives, I came across an article that I'd written a few years back on 8/9/07 that I never published. I was rather surprised by my blunt vulnerability and thought that it could be useful for further dialogue.
Enjoy...
I wrote a response to Brian Heasley’s blog that turned into something far more than just a short reply. In this blog posting, Brian bears his heart concerning the feelings of shame that he encounters in life. Unfortunately shame is an issue that I am well acquainted with—which, explains why I was intrigued by Heasley's stories and brute honesty.
Even today shame seems to raise its tormenting head to whisper lies into my soul. Do I listen?—well, I try not to. Often it is simply a “feeling” that swarms me at moments of vulnerability and personal letdowns. For many years it was a constant companion, reminding me of my every shortcomings and failures. Literally it drove me to the edge. Interestingly eight years ago when sharing with a prophetic gentleman concerning the suicides of my biological father shortly after my birth and the suicide of his father several years previous—this man-of-God said, “It was shame the drove him to end his life.” Although one could argue that we don’t know with absolute certainty, I certainly couldn’t refute this statement and it did bear witness with my spirit. I believe the Lord desired to uncover a generational curse that has sought to “steal, kill, and destroy” (John 10:10) the fullness of God’s calling upon my life.
Shame has plagued me for most of my life including my Christian walk.
Lately I’ve been astounded by the shame that engulfs me after delivering God’s Word through teaching and preaching. Honestly I thought I wouldn’t have to deal with this issue after the Lord graciously enabled me to walk in victory over past sins such as lust. Now I am blitzed by shame when I feel that I didn’t quite do as good as I intended when preaching or teaching at my home group. The full brunt of shame and humiliation vex my spirit in the aftermath of such times—it is quite disparaging. The very thing that I love and burn to do—preach the Word of God with authority—becomes the very thing that the enemy seeks to nullify through a pervasive onslaught of shame. This I believe has roots in several childhood experiences that gave entrance to a wrong self-perception that borderlines sin because ultimately it does contradict God’s Word and His intentions for my life. In essence I am permitting the spirit of darkness to trump what God’s Word declares about me.
Two early childhood experiences come to mind when reflecting on this diabolical root in my life.
The first experience was simply the placement into special education classes for the hearing impaired in elementary school. I came to despise this as I grew older because it made me feel as if I were different, inferior to the other kids. This was especially true since we had to wear phonic ears that consisted of a box strapped to our chest. Superman had his big ‘ole "S" plastered on his chest—meanwhile, I was sporting a strapping box on my chest. This device was intended to amplify the voice of the teacher speaking into the microphone—yet, from my vantage point the bull's eye on my chest communicated to others that I was different. This translated to a “feeling” of being dumb, which continues to plague me to this day even though I’ve attained the following: a BS in History and Political Science from Bridgewater College; a Bachelor of Practical Ministry from the Wagner Leadership Institute; a two year degree from Christ For the Nations Institute; and last year I earned a M.A. in Organizational Leadership from Regent University. Somehow in the process of all of this schooling, I can still feel the lingering shame of feeling dumb.
Then in fifth grade I can recall having to stand in front of the class to share my science fair project, which I was greatly ashamed of. It fell short of the electronic devices and gadgets that others had put together. My project was a drawing I had done of an astronaut explaining the different parts of their gear. I threw it in the trash before my scheduled presentation, but the teacher made me take it out of the trashcan in front of the class. Befuddled, I stood without anything to say. Finally the teacher asked me a question to try to get me to speak—my response triggered laughter from the class. Especially humiliating in that moment was the scene of two girls that I had a crush on, simultaneously laughing in the back of the room. My desire was simply to crawl away never to be seen again.
So these experiences formed the bedrock of a lifelong feeling of inferiority even when my schoolwork and experiences proved otherwise.
I wonder how many people around us are in a place where they must confront the pangs of shame. Obviously I am not referring only to those in the world, but also to those who are of the Redeemed.
I don’t have any easy answers. Yet, I press on towards Christ so that I may walk more fully in the reality of who I am in Christ. Two steps forward…one step back, etc. Henceforth, I refuse to allow myself to waddle in a place of shame that robs me of my confidence in the Lord. I have some more thoughts on this whole issue, but I’ll save them for another day. Initially this whole post started as a response to what Brian Heasley wrote on his blog, but I felt compelled to turn it into a posting for the blog.
What are your thoughts?
For the Cause,
Brian Francis Hume
Showing posts with label shame. Show all posts
Showing posts with label shame. Show all posts
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Produce the Fruit of Purity
Several weeks ago I mentioned in a posting titled, "Is Lust Nullifying Your Voice?" that I had been invited by my pastor to share my story during the Holy Convocation at my church on Saturday, September 15. The objective as stated by the Elders of Grace Church was to call the men to live a life of holiness and purity even in the midst of a culture ensnared by perversion and porn. I was asked to share my personal testimony of how the Lord delivered me from a life enslaved to lust, anger, shame, and pornography. This was the precursor to my introduction on Sunday as a new staff member at Grace Church of Fredericksburg, assigned to work with young adults. Truly this was ordered of the Lord!
The turnout was superb! It seemed that we had just under 200 men in attendance that morning for the four hour session. It was evident that the Lord moved power
fully upon the hearts of the men present. I do want to thank many of you for praying for me during that time. There was definitely some intense warfare going on as I shared my testimony.
You may be wondering, “How did the actual testimony go on Saturday?”
Well, I’m glad you asked!
Honestly, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I didn’t anticipate the awkwardness that was evident as I spoke. In so many ways, I wasn’t my usual self. Prior to the opportunity, I was quite excited and had mapped out a few main points that I intended to address. Normally I enjoy preaching/teaching in front of such crowds—yet, due to the nature of the topic, primarily my own journey to hell and back—I wasn’t as articulate as I would have preferred. Several times I paused, acknowledging the difficulty of sharing such things.
At the end, finally my composure broke as I expressed the reality of my past outlook in the midst of the seemingly never ending war against lust: I wasn’t going to make it. There was a point in the journey towards freedom that I thought I wasn’t going to make it through. The battle to walk in freedom was so fierce, so difficult, so painful—that I didn’t think I was going to emerge victoriously. Rather, I thought that I had forfeited my marriage, my calling as a prophetic voice to the nations, my integrity and character, and my intellectual prowess. The pain was like none other that I had ever experienced to that point, or since. During that season I wrote about it in my journal, labeling it the agony of nothingness. This is what I imagined how Esau (the brother of Jacob) felt—existing, but not alive—haunted by the memory of forfeiting his birthright for a measly bowl of stew.
Likewise, I had exchanged my spiritual birthright for a quick fix of illicit arousal that always brought forth the numbing reality of nothingness. This corrupt bowl of lasciviousness corroded my mental and emotional faculties—all the while my spirit was defiled.
Hope was no where to be found.
How could I possibly fight against this vile wickedness that was so seemingly embedded deep within—the lust, the perversion, the rebellion, the anger, the shame—among other vices? In the midst of this, I couldn’t hold on. Hope vanished. Like a dead corpse, I stumbled on, existing, but not fully alive. And definitely with no hope towards the future.
Yet, when I couldn’t hold on, somehow, Christ held onto me. In desperation I cried out to the Lord daily. During the first year I spent my hour of power with the Lord. Often I couldn’t pray with intelligible words, simply because I didn’t know what to pray when I was paralyzed with hopelessness and despair—instead I prayed in tongues, continually. Daily I bombarded the throne of grace (Hebrews 4:16) beseeching God for His mercy to be released upon me. There were no other options. I can recall crying out to God with loud cries for His mercy to be released in my life through the atoning work of the Cross. I was a desperate man. Mercy met me at my lowest point. I had sinned greatly against the Lord—therefore, I had to ask Him for even the desire to turn away from the sin so that I could seek Him with a pure heart. The callousness of my own heart was so real.
Time passed—yet, somehow I persisted in the face of great adversity and insurmountable odds. I did make it. Christ changed me from the inside-out as over time I was purged of the lust, rebellion, anger, and shame that had previously held me in bondage. Matthew 3:8 was a living reality in my life—“bear fruit in keeping with repentance.” It wasn’t enough to simply have a change in behavior with the roots embedded deep within, it required that I permit the Lord to do such a deep work of transformation within.
We must continue to walk in repentance from lust until we bear the fruit of purity and holiness in our lives. We can live in the freedom that Christ attained for us on the Cross. It is not God’s will for us to live with a heart that rages within to attain the illicit glimpse of the forbidden image of a seductive pose. Hence, if you don't bear the fruit of purity in this day and age, it will cost you something. Don't get me wrong, it will cost you something to walk in such purity of heart, but it will cost you more if you fail to do so. The cost of sin is far greater than the cost of paying the price to attain the fullness of the freedom through Christ's atoning work.
Keep pressing in until you bear the fruit of purity in your life. In the grace of God it is possible. Here are a few things that must be in place of you truly want to live in the freedom that Christ purchased by his blood. This isn’t an exhaustive list, but it serves as a starting point for wherever you are today.
Accountability—You won’t make it without this critical discipline, and it must be a person who is walking victoriously in this area. Don’t have someone who is struggling in this area to be the primary accountability partner.
Intimacy with the Lord—Cultivating this is the absolute key to long-term transformation. Without this dynamic, there will no true heart change even though behavioral changes may persist for a season. This includes the reading/studying of Scripture and the daily time spent seeking the Lord.
Pray in the Spirit—I’m specifically referring to the charismatic notion of praying in tongues. In this battle against lust, there are countless times when you will have no strength within to pray, but enough to pray in tongues. It builds up your spirit as you pray in agreement with the Father's perfect will over your life.
Friendship—This is so important. I’m talking simply about cultivating God-ordained friendships with others. Often these types of struggles cause us to isolate ourselves, which is very dangerous. The joy of friendship is priceless. Treasure them. Honor them with utmost diligence.
Small/Care Group—Find a small fellowship group to be a part of that meets consistently. Commit yourself to serving the needs of others within the group. This was also a context where I could encourage others even in my darkest hour. The group leader was aware of my situation and he sought my input during group discussion times.
Develop a war mentality—You have declared war once you have committed yourself to the process of walking in repentance. It isn’t a walk in the park—hence it is a crawl in a war zone with deadly bullets whizzing by your head.
Boundaries—This include getting rid of television and/or cable. My wife and I don’t have cable and we never will. Also she has ensured that nothing comes into the house such as women clothing magazines or anything of that nature. And I don’t have unlimited access to the Internet. Even though I walking in victory in this area, I am planning on installing software that will allow my accountability partner to receive weekly checkups as to what sites I’ve visited.
Education/Learning—For me this was a lifesaver. I was enrolled at Regent University pursuing my M.A. in Organizational Leadership. Continued lustful thinking destroys the mind. Pursuing my M.A. helped me tremendously by forcing me to think critically and abstractly, which strengthened my cognitive capabilities. Plus I was able to focus on other things rather than own my struggles.
Deliverance—Pornography does open the door for demonic spirits. There is a critical need to undergo some measure of deliverance from demonic spirits, especially once accountability and boundaries have been established in the life of the believer. However, if the person does not have these other dynamics in place, they probably won’t have the necessary inner fortitude to walk out the deliverance. Often in many charismatic circles, deliverance is seen as the only necessary key to being set free from porn, lust and perversion—I beg to differ. Deliverance alone doesn’t assure that the believer will have the necessary inner fortitude (self-control) to walk out that deliverance. However, it is a critical component of the overall equation of producing the fruit of purity. Also many want the deliverance, but they aren't willing to cultivate the repentant heart that precedes purity.
These pointers represent a starting point to implement in the quest for freedom in Christ.
So in spite of my inabilities that morning, God moved powerfully upon the hearts of the men. I had guys come to me sharing with me their vulnerabilities. Interestingly there was one thing I had forgotten to share that morning, which was a common theme in my conversations afterwards. During my darkest hour, one of the most intense desires was to meet another guy who had actually overcome an addictive lifestyle to lust—one who was walking in victory. I could never find anyone even though I read a few books about guys overcoming this sin.
Oh, how my heart longed to simply have that reassurance face-to-face that it was indeed possible to overcome the bondage of lust! Others that morning reiterated the same desire, and my testimony proved to be the assurance that they were longing for: In Christ all things are possible!
The turnout was superb! It seemed that we had just under 200 men in attendance that morning for the four hour session. It was evident that the Lord moved power
fully upon the hearts of the men present. I do want to thank many of you for praying for me during that time. There was definitely some intense warfare going on as I shared my testimony.You may be wondering, “How did the actual testimony go on Saturday?”
Well, I’m glad you asked!
Honestly, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I didn’t anticipate the awkwardness that was evident as I spoke. In so many ways, I wasn’t my usual self. Prior to the opportunity, I was quite excited and had mapped out a few main points that I intended to address. Normally I enjoy preaching/teaching in front of such crowds—yet, due to the nature of the topic, primarily my own journey to hell and back—I wasn’t as articulate as I would have preferred. Several times I paused, acknowledging the difficulty of sharing such things.
At the end, finally my composure broke as I expressed the reality of my past outlook in the midst of the seemingly never ending war against lust: I wasn’t going to make it. There was a point in the journey towards freedom that I thought I wasn’t going to make it through. The battle to walk in freedom was so fierce, so difficult, so painful—that I didn’t think I was going to emerge victoriously. Rather, I thought that I had forfeited my marriage, my calling as a prophetic voice to the nations, my integrity and character, and my intellectual prowess. The pain was like none other that I had ever experienced to that point, or since. During that season I wrote about it in my journal, labeling it the agony of nothingness. This is what I imagined how Esau (the brother of Jacob) felt—existing, but not alive—haunted by the memory of forfeiting his birthright for a measly bowl of stew.
Likewise, I had exchanged my spiritual birthright for a quick fix of illicit arousal that always brought forth the numbing reality of nothingness. This corrupt bowl of lasciviousness corroded my mental and emotional faculties—all the while my spirit was defiled.
Hope was no where to be found.
How could I possibly fight against this vile wickedness that was so seemingly embedded deep within—the lust, the perversion, the rebellion, the anger, the shame—among other vices? In the midst of this, I couldn’t hold on. Hope vanished. Like a dead corpse, I stumbled on, existing, but not fully alive. And definitely with no hope towards the future.
Yet, when I couldn’t hold on, somehow, Christ held onto me. In desperation I cried out to the Lord daily. During the first year I spent my hour of power with the Lord. Often I couldn’t pray with intelligible words, simply because I didn’t know what to pray when I was paralyzed with hopelessness and despair—instead I prayed in tongues, continually. Daily I bombarded the throne of grace (Hebrews 4:16) beseeching God for His mercy to be released upon me. There were no other options. I can recall crying out to God with loud cries for His mercy to be released in my life through the atoning work of the Cross. I was a desperate man. Mercy met me at my lowest point. I had sinned greatly against the Lord—therefore, I had to ask Him for even the desire to turn away from the sin so that I could seek Him with a pure heart. The callousness of my own heart was so real.
Time passed—yet, somehow I persisted in the face of great adversity and insurmountable odds. I did make it. Christ changed me from the inside-out as over time I was purged of the lust, rebellion, anger, and shame that had previously held me in bondage. Matthew 3:8 was a living reality in my life—“bear fruit in keeping with repentance.” It wasn’t enough to simply have a change in behavior with the roots embedded deep within, it required that I permit the Lord to do such a deep work of transformation within.
We must continue to walk in repentance from lust until we bear the fruit of purity and holiness in our lives. We can live in the freedom that Christ attained for us on the Cross. It is not God’s will for us to live with a heart that rages within to attain the illicit glimpse of the forbidden image of a seductive pose. Hence, if you don't bear the fruit of purity in this day and age, it will cost you something. Don't get me wrong, it will cost you something to walk in such purity of heart, but it will cost you more if you fail to do so. The cost of sin is far greater than the cost of paying the price to attain the fullness of the freedom through Christ's atoning work.
Keep pressing in until you bear the fruit of purity in your life. In the grace of God it is possible. Here are a few things that must be in place of you truly want to live in the freedom that Christ purchased by his blood. This isn’t an exhaustive list, but it serves as a starting point for wherever you are today.
Accountability—You won’t make it without this critical discipline, and it must be a person who is walking victoriously in this area. Don’t have someone who is struggling in this area to be the primary accountability partner.
Intimacy with the Lord—Cultivating this is the absolute key to long-term transformation. Without this dynamic, there will no true heart change even though behavioral changes may persist for a season. This includes the reading/studying of Scripture and the daily time spent seeking the Lord.
Pray in the Spirit—I’m specifically referring to the charismatic notion of praying in tongues. In this battle against lust, there are countless times when you will have no strength within to pray, but enough to pray in tongues. It builds up your spirit as you pray in agreement with the Father's perfect will over your life.
Friendship—This is so important. I’m talking simply about cultivating God-ordained friendships with others. Often these types of struggles cause us to isolate ourselves, which is very dangerous. The joy of friendship is priceless. Treasure them. Honor them with utmost diligence.
Small/Care Group—Find a small fellowship group to be a part of that meets consistently. Commit yourself to serving the needs of others within the group. This was also a context where I could encourage others even in my darkest hour. The group leader was aware of my situation and he sought my input during group discussion times.
Develop a war mentality—You have declared war once you have committed yourself to the process of walking in repentance. It isn’t a walk in the park—hence it is a crawl in a war zone with deadly bullets whizzing by your head.
Boundaries—This include getting rid of television and/or cable. My wife and I don’t have cable and we never will. Also she has ensured that nothing comes into the house such as women clothing magazines or anything of that nature. And I don’t have unlimited access to the Internet. Even though I walking in victory in this area, I am planning on installing software that will allow my accountability partner to receive weekly checkups as to what sites I’ve visited.
Education/Learning—For me this was a lifesaver. I was enrolled at Regent University pursuing my M.A. in Organizational Leadership. Continued lustful thinking destroys the mind. Pursuing my M.A. helped me tremendously by forcing me to think critically and abstractly, which strengthened my cognitive capabilities. Plus I was able to focus on other things rather than own my struggles.
Deliverance—Pornography does open the door for demonic spirits. There is a critical need to undergo some measure of deliverance from demonic spirits, especially once accountability and boundaries have been established in the life of the believer. However, if the person does not have these other dynamics in place, they probably won’t have the necessary inner fortitude to walk out the deliverance. Often in many charismatic circles, deliverance is seen as the only necessary key to being set free from porn, lust and perversion—I beg to differ. Deliverance alone doesn’t assure that the believer will have the necessary inner fortitude (self-control) to walk out that deliverance. However, it is a critical component of the overall equation of producing the fruit of purity. Also many want the deliverance, but they aren't willing to cultivate the repentant heart that precedes purity.
These pointers represent a starting point to implement in the quest for freedom in Christ.
So in spite of my inabilities that morning, God moved powerfully upon the hearts of the men. I had guys come to me sharing with me their vulnerabilities. Interestingly there was one thing I had forgotten to share that morning, which was a common theme in my conversations afterwards. During my darkest hour, one of the most intense desires was to meet another guy who had actually overcome an addictive lifestyle to lust—one who was walking in victory. I could never find anyone even though I read a few books about guys overcoming this sin.
Oh, how my heart longed to simply have that reassurance face-to-face that it was indeed possible to overcome the bondage of lust! Others that morning reiterated the same desire, and my testimony proved to be the assurance that they were longing for: In Christ all things are possible!
Thursday, August 9, 2007
An Uninvited Guest: Shame
As I was going through my blog archives, I came across an article that I'd written a few years back on 8/9/07 that I never published. I was rather surprised by my blunt vulnerability and thought that it could be useful for further dialogue.
Enjoy...
I wrote a response to Brian Heasley’s blog that turned into something far more than just a short reply. In this blog posting, Brian bears his heart concerning the feelings of shame that he encounters in life. Unfortunately shame is an issue that I am well acquainted with—which, explains why I was intrigued by the Heasley's stories and brute honesty.
Even today shame seems to raise its tormenting head to whisper lies into my soul. Do I listen?—well, I try not to. Often it is simply a “feeling” that swarms me at moments of vulnerability and personal letdowns. For many years it was a constant companion, reminding me of my every shortcomings and failures. Literally it drove me to the edge. Interestingly five years ago when sharing with a prophetic gentleman concerning the suicides of my biological father shortly after my birth and the suicide of his father several years previous—this man-of-God said, “It was shame the drove him to end his life.” Although one could argue that we don’t know with absolute certainty, I certainly couldn’t refute this statement and it did bear witness with my spirit. I believe the Lord desired to uncover a generational curse that has sought to “steal, kill, and destroy” (John 10:10) the fullness of God’s calling upon my life.
Shame has plagued me for most of my life including my Christian walk.
Lately I’ve been astounded by the shame that engulfs me after delivering God’s Word through teaching and preaching. Honestly I thought I wouldn’t have to deal with this issue after the Lord graciously enabled me to walk in victory over past sins such as lust. Now I am blitzed by shame when I feel that I didn’t quite do as good as I intended when preaching or teaching at my home group. The full brunt of shame and humiliation vex my spirit in the aftermath of such times—it is quite disparaging. The very thing that I love and burn to do—preach the Word of God with authority—becomes the very thing that the enemy seeks to nullify through a pervasive onslaught of shame. This I believe has roots in several childhood experiences that gave entrance to a wrong self-perception that borderlines sin because ultimately it does contradict God’s Word and His intentions for my life. In essence I am permitting the spirit of darkness to trump what God’s Word declares about me.
Two early childhood experiences come to mind when reflecting on this diabolical root in my life.
The first experience was simply the placement into special education classes for the hearing impaired in elementary school. I came to despise this as I grew older because it made me feel as if I were different, inferior to the other kids. This was especially true since we had to wear phonic ears that consisted of a box strapped to our chest. Superman had his big ‘ole "S" plastered on his chest—meanwhile, I was sporting a strapping box on my chest. This device was intended to amplify the voice of the teacher speaking into the microphone—yet, from my vantage point the bull's eye on my chest communicated to others that I was different. This translated to a “feeling” of being dumb, which continues to plague me to this day even though I’ve attained the following: a BS in History and Political Science from Bridgewater College; a Bachelor of Practical Ministry from the Wagner Leadership Institute; a two year degree from Christ For the Nations Institute; and last year I earned a M.A. in Organizational Leadership from Regent University. Somehow in the process of all of this schooling, I can still feel the lingering shame of feeling dumb.
Then in fifth grade I can recall having to stand in front of the class to share my science fair project, which I was greatly ashamed of. It fell short of the electronic devices and gadgets that others had put together. My project was a drawing I had done of an astronaut explaining the different parts of their gear. I threw it in the trash before my scheduled presentation, but the teacher made me take it out of the trashcan in front of the class. Befuddled, I stood without anything to say. Finally the teacher asked me a question to try to get me to speak—my response triggered laughter from the class. Especially humiliating in that moment was the scene of two girls that I had a crush on, simultaneously laughing in the back of the room. My desire was simply to crawl away never to be seen again.
So these experiences formed the bedrock of a lifelong feeling of inferiority even when my schoolwork and experiences proved otherwise.
I wonder how many people around us are in a place where they must confront the pangs of shame. Obviously I am not referring only to those in the world, but also to those who are of the Redeemed.
I don’t have any easy answers. Yet, I press on towards Christ so that I may walk more fully in the reality of who I am in Christ. Two steps forward…one step back, etc. Henceforth, I refuse to allow myself to waddle in a place of shame that robs me of my confidence in the Lord. I have some more thoughts on this whole issue, but I’ll save them for another day. Initially this whole post started as a response to what Brian Heasley wrote on his blog, but I felt compelled to turn it into a posting for the blog.
What are your thoughts?
For the Cause,
Brian Francis Hume
Enjoy...
I wrote a response to Brian Heasley’s blog that turned into something far more than just a short reply. In this blog posting, Brian bears his heart concerning the feelings of shame that he encounters in life. Unfortunately shame is an issue that I am well acquainted with—which, explains why I was intrigued by the Heasley's stories and brute honesty.
Even today shame seems to raise its tormenting head to whisper lies into my soul. Do I listen?—well, I try not to. Often it is simply a “feeling” that swarms me at moments of vulnerability and personal letdowns. For many years it was a constant companion, reminding me of my every shortcomings and failures. Literally it drove me to the edge. Interestingly five years ago when sharing with a prophetic gentleman concerning the suicides of my biological father shortly after my birth and the suicide of his father several years previous—this man-of-God said, “It was shame the drove him to end his life.” Although one could argue that we don’t know with absolute certainty, I certainly couldn’t refute this statement and it did bear witness with my spirit. I believe the Lord desired to uncover a generational curse that has sought to “steal, kill, and destroy” (John 10:10) the fullness of God’s calling upon my life.
Shame has plagued me for most of my life including my Christian walk.
Lately I’ve been astounded by the shame that engulfs me after delivering God’s Word through teaching and preaching. Honestly I thought I wouldn’t have to deal with this issue after the Lord graciously enabled me to walk in victory over past sins such as lust. Now I am blitzed by shame when I feel that I didn’t quite do as good as I intended when preaching or teaching at my home group. The full brunt of shame and humiliation vex my spirit in the aftermath of such times—it is quite disparaging. The very thing that I love and burn to do—preach the Word of God with authority—becomes the very thing that the enemy seeks to nullify through a pervasive onslaught of shame. This I believe has roots in several childhood experiences that gave entrance to a wrong self-perception that borderlines sin because ultimately it does contradict God’s Word and His intentions for my life. In essence I am permitting the spirit of darkness to trump what God’s Word declares about me.
Two early childhood experiences come to mind when reflecting on this diabolical root in my life.
The first experience was simply the placement into special education classes for the hearing impaired in elementary school. I came to despise this as I grew older because it made me feel as if I were different, inferior to the other kids. This was especially true since we had to wear phonic ears that consisted of a box strapped to our chest. Superman had his big ‘ole "S" plastered on his chest—meanwhile, I was sporting a strapping box on my chest. This device was intended to amplify the voice of the teacher speaking into the microphone—yet, from my vantage point the bull's eye on my chest communicated to others that I was different. This translated to a “feeling” of being dumb, which continues to plague me to this day even though I’ve attained the following: a BS in History and Political Science from Bridgewater College; a Bachelor of Practical Ministry from the Wagner Leadership Institute; a two year degree from Christ For the Nations Institute; and last year I earned a M.A. in Organizational Leadership from Regent University. Somehow in the process of all of this schooling, I can still feel the lingering shame of feeling dumb.
Then in fifth grade I can recall having to stand in front of the class to share my science fair project, which I was greatly ashamed of. It fell short of the electronic devices and gadgets that others had put together. My project was a drawing I had done of an astronaut explaining the different parts of their gear. I threw it in the trash before my scheduled presentation, but the teacher made me take it out of the trashcan in front of the class. Befuddled, I stood without anything to say. Finally the teacher asked me a question to try to get me to speak—my response triggered laughter from the class. Especially humiliating in that moment was the scene of two girls that I had a crush on, simultaneously laughing in the back of the room. My desire was simply to crawl away never to be seen again.
So these experiences formed the bedrock of a lifelong feeling of inferiority even when my schoolwork and experiences proved otherwise.
I wonder how many people around us are in a place where they must confront the pangs of shame. Obviously I am not referring only to those in the world, but also to those who are of the Redeemed.
I don’t have any easy answers. Yet, I press on towards Christ so that I may walk more fully in the reality of who I am in Christ. Two steps forward…one step back, etc. Henceforth, I refuse to allow myself to waddle in a place of shame that robs me of my confidence in the Lord. I have some more thoughts on this whole issue, but I’ll save them for another day. Initially this whole post started as a response to what Brian Heasley wrote on his blog, but I felt compelled to turn it into a posting for the blog.
What are your thoughts?
For the Cause,
Brian Francis Hume
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